Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Managing expectations
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls