I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
A great first step 😂
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
