Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
see next tweet for some translations
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
a New Yorker reject, for you
