Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Managing expectations
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
