Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
hello pervert is such a strong opener
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Wolves should really raise more people.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
