being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Roombas should bark
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach