What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.