9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
I try
