Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
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An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
