Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
It’s on my to-do list.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
This is hilarious
