coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
sign of the times 🖊
