My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
good morning
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.