WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
