Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
no exceptions
“FOUND ‘EM!”
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep