When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Another day, another…goddammit
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin