my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
The First Farmer
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
good morning
