genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
