I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?