Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”