I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before