i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
