*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?