Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.