If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.