if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.