Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
