Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
I fixed it. For me
How does someone manage that 🤨
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.