Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.