If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]