Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Sounds like a real hoot.
This one, by a wide margin
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
he’ll never suspect a thing
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
