I walked into HomeGoods & didn鈥檛 grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
I鈥檓 too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I鈥檇 probably just use them to heat soup or something
Me: Do you hear that? I鈥檓 finally on stage & they鈥檙e chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they鈥檙e in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don鈥檛 kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 馃ぃ
the joker: lol i鈥檓 going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
What do you mean there鈥檚 only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven鈥檛 had lunch yet???
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco