My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
You better wish for more oil
