Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
good morning
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
