I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Bruh 😂
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Old old old old old west
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
