Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
You better wish for more oil
i want enemies
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Lmao
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.