Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
