As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
It will always be this
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
The United Steaks of America
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind