Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
LOL
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body