My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
🤣
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.