Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Better luck next time champ
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Windows
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that