Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
If my kids invented a drink.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.