i wonder why they stopped looking
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work