Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”
“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I throw rocks from my glass horse.
why on earth do you guys have a state named washington and a city named washington and they’re on opposite sides of the map. this whole time i thought the white house was in washington state
Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about
you should fight them
– me as a therapist
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end, it Taurus apart.
Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.
And that saddens me deeply.
How to cook crack and clean a crab.
Step 1 – use commas
saying “no worries either way” when i am actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.
All I’m saying is that nobody can cook rubbish like last borns. Those creatures can even fry water
Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.
I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.