“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense