I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake