COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
look scared
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Too easy.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening