I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
We know he can swim but…
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”