It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
im gay on my mothers side
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
