45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
hmmmmmm
