I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
We know he can swim but…
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!