‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
same but as an audience member
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
